Man Using Mobile Phone While Shopping In Supermarket

Why It Takes Me 2 Hours to Buy Groceries

On average, it takes me two hours to buy groceries.

Since I live alone and shop for one, you may think two hours is sad. Maybe even irritating.

And it is.

But I must. And here’s why…

2 Things that Happen Every Time I Shop at Wegmans

1. I Talk to Cookies

cookie aisle wegmans

I’m not sure if it’s just because they were the only things I ate as a kid, or because the radiant packaging mesmerizes my eyes, but I always stop to stare at the cookie aisle.

I like to see my old friends: Oreos, Pop-Tarts, E.L. Fudge cookies, Ho Hos, and Oatmeal Creme Pies.

I wave. “Hi guys. I miss you.”

They light up and respond, “Mike… Can’t we just–”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry.”

Holding back tears, I flee to the next aisle.

2. I Engulf Nutrition Facts


My next delay makes me think of a Ricky Gervais film.

In The Invention of Lying there’s an oddly honest Coke ad that makes me wish I lived in that world. Since “lying” wasn’t yet invented, the commercial could only provide the absolute truth. The advertiser bluntly explains that Coke is famous sugar water that can lead to obesity.

In college, I discovered that half the reason I only ate junk food was because of its rapturous packaging (the other half was for the sugar). Thankfully, a nutrition class taught me that Nutrition Facts labels require advertisers to be as honest as Coke in The Invention of Lying.

It takes me forever to grocery shop because I force myself to hunt through the shimmering surface of diabetic boxes to find foods with over 5 grams of fiber/protein, under 5 grams of sugar, and ingredients that I can actually imagine being grown.

After my two-hour voyage through Wegmans, It’s sometimes surprising to find that the only items accompanying me to checkout are milk, oatmeal, lentils, rice, and bananas.

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